I wish every Elf on the Shelf would jump into a mid-November pile of leaves and set themselves on fire. We could roast hot dogs and marshmallows while their plastic faces melted off.

Or I wish they would all bury themselves in a giant snowbank. I’m pretty sure their evil little bodies would melt into the ground, leaving behind a creepy cemetery of red felt hats to be found in the spring.

Seriously, I hate the stupid little elves. Why? It’s not like I’m a Grinch. We celebrate Christmas with an enormous {REAL} fir tree, too many beautifully wrapped gifts and an unacceptable amount of baked goods.

So, why do I wish that every Elf on the Shelf would die an ugly death? Four reasons…

ONE: {They are creepy. So creepy.} If a fat man in a red suit and white beard breaking into your home in the middle of the night ever gave you pause, his creepy-as-heck army of single-expression minions should stop you in your tracks! They appear every year, move around at night and get into mischief while nobody is looking. Worse yet, they watch your kids and report back to Santa. Who on earth would actually invite that crazy nonsense into their homes? Apparently, a lot of people. But, not this girl. If I had my way, every Elf on the Shelf would die an ugly death.

TWO: {They create crazy moms.} I know too many normal moms who have turned into crazy, manic moms because of these ridiculous elves. These moms are pinning fools in November, searching Pinterest for the most elaborate, impressive situations to create for their elves. They start December with visions of powdered-sugar messes and tight-rope walking elves. But by December 16th, too many of these moms end up lying in bed in silent tears because they forgot to move the darned elf. They’re too tired to get out of bed now but can’t shake the feeling that the kids will be scarred for life when they wake in the morning and discover Sparkles in the same stupid spot as when they went to bed. These elves create crazy moms and should die ugly deaths to stop the insanity.

THREE: {They incite ridiculous competitiveness.} Not only do normal moms turn into crazy elf-manipulating enablers, they also turn into ultra-competitive adversaries. They compete with both their IRL and online friends. Who can make the biggest, most elaborate, impressive elf-scenario? Who can post the best pics of their awestruck kids gazing at the magical scene before them? Who can keep up these schemes for 24 days straight? And the kids? Oh, the kids. They compare the crazy antics of their personal elves with their classmates. Whose elf is the busiest? Which elf gives the best morning gifts? Which elf has behaved so outrageously that he has his own Twitter account? And who has the lame elf who never moves and just sits in the same spot night after night? What about the kids that don’t have elves? How do they compare? Both moms and kids alike would be better off if every Elf on the Shelf would die an ugly death.

WARNING Things are about to turn more serious. I’ve been mostly kidding around so far. I really don’t want to burn the elves at the stake. But, I really do detest them. And here is why…

FOUR: {They are treated like demigods.} People treat them like tiny, creepy, plastic demigods that spy on their kids day and night. And this is not just imaginative play and the “magic” of the season. The crazy stories of flying in from the North Pole and being stone-still during the day while upending all sorts of chaos at night all in the name of helping Santa is NOT just providing an opportunity for our kids to exercise their imaginations. This is well beyond pretending that Super-Man is legit or wishing that unicorns were real. This is point-blank giving an inanimate object qualities that belong to our one and only true God. Why do we do that? Why do we let our kids believe that these creepy little dolls have the ability to decide whether they’ve been good or bad little kids? Why do we tell our kids that these ridiculous elves can actually JUDGE their actions and dole out prizes and consequences? Why? Not only have we transferred our parental responsibilities of monitoring behaviors, we have blasphemed God by telling our kids that these magical, moving creatures with super-human qualities have the right to JUDGE their choices. It was all fun and games until we did that. Maybe I don’t seriously wish every Elf on the Shelf would die an ugly death. But I do wish we’d put them away and never bring them back out. There are plenty of ways to make jolly memories for your kids this holiday season without these creepy, crazy-making, competitive-inciting demigods.

Want to find out how I feel about Santa too? Check out The Rare Reason We Don’t Do Santa.